The Bible is one of the world’s oldest living texts. Many consider it sacred, a product of divine inspiration, a religious book filled with timeless wisdom and teachings for all ages.
Many claim it’s the word of God in written form, a collection of stories and parables that indicate how we mortal humans should live our finite lives.
Funny Bible Verses
The Bible is serious. Maybe rightly so. We are talking about death and the afterlife, after all. For a topic like that, getting serious is a requirement.
However, the Bible isn’t all doom and gloom. Au contraire, the Bible is filled with verses that are funny and sure to have you cracking a smile. Take a look at a few of these hilarious Bible verses.
2 Kings 6:5
5 As one of them was cutting down a tree, the iron axhead fell into the water. “Oh no, my lord!” he cried out. “It was borrowed!”
This verse is straight out of a Three Stooges or Saturday Night Live episode. Just picture it. A group of guys hanging out, casually chopping down a tree, when suddenly the axhead comes flying off, splashing into the nearby lake and sinking to the bottom. They all stand there in disbelief, staring at each other, wondering what just happened.
Of course, Elisha, a famous miracle worker, quickly came to the rescue. With a flick of his wrist, the prophet raised the axhead from the bottom of the lake. All was right in the biblical world. Still, you can’t help but laugh at the absurdity of the situation.
9 Happy is the man who seizes your infants and dashes them against the rocks.
The Bible is the same book that gave us the commandment, “Thou shalt not kill,” right? Turns out, murder is perfectly acceptable. And not just any type of murder, infanticide. It’s even a source of happiness! Imagine that.
While humorous, the psalmist is reminiscing about the past, specifically Jerusalem’s fall to the Edomites. According to the psalmist, the Edomites committed countless atrocities in their siege, and the psalmist was looking forward to the day they received their comeuppance. Revenge is always the best medicine, as they say.
18 Early in the morning, as Jesus was on his way back to the city, he was hungry. 19 Seeing a fig tree by the road, he went up to it but found nothing on it except leaves. Then he said to it, “May you never bear fruit again!” Immediately, the tree withered.
Let’s take a step back and really take a look at this. Jesus—the son of God, the savior of all men, he who gave the ultimate sacrifice—got so angry at a tree that he smote and killed it. This is taking the word “hangry” to a whole new level.
19 Yet she became more and more promiscuous as she recalled the days of her youth, when she was a prostitute in Egypt. 20 There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses.
Remember when I said biblical authors liked to go into vivid detail? It doesn’t get much more vivid than this Ezekiel verse. Donkey-sized genitals, horse-sized emissions. Who wouldn’t get a little hot thinking about that?
Bible Verses about Friendship
Of course, the Bible is famous for its platitudes and its everlasting wisdom. Still, when people seek knowledge from the Bible, it’s usually to focus on themselves as an individual. Most people would never consider going to the Bible for help with their friendships. The Bible, however, contains numerous passages all centered on the value of friendship. Take a look.
9 Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. 10 For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! 11 Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone?
Philosophical and a little bit funny. The wisdom from these particular verses is clear. Friends can and should be each other’s support, lifting each other up so that both can succeed. But it does seem like the author is assuming a little bit more with that last verse. Undoubtedly, two will be warmer sleeping together, but are they still friends at that point or something a little more?
17 Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.
You can tell that the Bible really values friendship when it compares the topic to something as strong as iron. Friendship isn’t just about entertainment. It’s about strength and the ability to be the best person you can be.
1 Whoever isolates himself seeks his own desire; he breaks out against all sound judgment.
As we get older, it becomes harder and harder to make and keep friends. Whenever you find yourself alone more often than not because your friends are slowly slipping away, keep this verse in mind. Complete isolation isn’t good for anyone. We all need friends to keep us on the right path. Even the pope agrees that friendships are extremely important, maybe one of the most important things we can have.
Bible Verses about Children
The Bible also has several chapters and verses all about children. They’re a centerpiece in many of Jesus’ teachings. Plus, the Lord often uses children as examples of how we adults should act. Here are a few verses where children are the centerpiece.
2 Kings 2:23-24
23 From there Elisha went up to Bethel. As he was walking along the road, some boys came out of the town and jeered at him. “Get out of here, baldy!” they said. 24 He turned around at them and called down a curse on them in the name of the Lord. Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the boys.
This probably wasn’t the verse about children you were expecting. Forty-two boys mauled because of a bald joke? It seems a bit harsh, but you’ve got to admit that it is quite humorous.
In the Bible, Elisha was a religious prophet, famous for his miracle work. He single-handedly cleansed infected waters, fed hundreds of starving men with 20 loaves of barley during a terrible famine, and even resurrected a baby who had recently died. In terms of miracle power, the only person who could compete was Christ himself.
But what Elisha didn’t have was Christ’s beautiful, flowing locks, and it’s quite clear he was just a tad self-conscious about that. It’s weird to think that if Rogaine existed in Biblical times, forty-two kids would still be alive. Then again, I’m sure there are millions of bald men who may wish death upon someone every time they hear yet another bald joke.
13 People were bringing little children to Jesus for him to place his hands on them, but the disciples rebuked them. 14 When Jesus saw this, he was indignant. He said to [his disciples], “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these.”
Trust, innocence, that natural sweet disposition of a child, these are the qualities that Christ was referring to when he said, “For the kingdom of God belongs to such as these.” We could all stand to gain by being reminded who we were when we were children.
2 He called a little child to him, and placed the child among them. 3 And he said: “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. 4 Therefore, whoever takes the lowly position of this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoever welcomes one such child in my name welcomes me.”
Another verse about how we should act like children in order to please the Lord. Like the above verse in Mark, Matthew tells a story of Jesus warning adults to be more like children to enter the kingdom of heaven. It must be serious if he said it twice.
Bible Verses about Anxiety
At some point in every person’s life, stress and anxiety plague our every thought. It’s normal, but we often forget that when anxiety’s crushing weight continuously presses us down.
Whenever you’re feeling overwhelmed by stress, take a look at Matthew 6. It’s guaranteed to make that weight on your shoulders feel a little lighter.
25 Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air, they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?
Worrying really does not solve anything. In fact, it only stands to makes things worse. Here, Matthew reminds us of just that.
28 And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith?
It seems that even biblical men and women were a little too infatuated with the latest fashions. It’s good to know that some things never change. Still, this is a reassuring verse, saying that we really don’t need to fret over every little piece of clothing that we put on. It’ll all work out in the end.
31 So do not worry saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But see first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble on its own.
This is a fitting verse to wrap it all up. We really should be focused on things that are a little more important than food and clothes. That’s not to say we should ignore it altogether, but it’s always a good idea to take a step back and look at the bigger picture.
The Bible: A Wealth of Knowledge for All Ages
The Bible is more than just a Christian holy book. It features all manner of stories, songs, parables, witticisms, pearls of wisdom, and historical accounts of a time long forgotten.
Whether you’re looking to laugh, cry, or just feel a bit better about yourself, the Bible surely has a verse for you.